So often, the key to sexual satisfaction
may not be as a result of penis size, stamina records, or a technical
isolation of the G-spot, good foreplay and so on. Rather, it should also
be about understanding oneself and one’s partner’s desires. By
recognising that real couples are not born with a perfect, divinely
granted understanding of sex and sexuality but are made, and we all get
better by the day.
Losing interest in sex may not be as
common an occurrence for men as it is for women. When men lose interest
in sex, it scares them more than women. It affects about 15-16 per cent
of men and the statistics doubles or sometimes increases three times in
women. Loss of libido bothers men more and makes them unhappy about the
rest of their lives than it does women. Only 23 per cent of men with
loss of libido say they still feel very happy about life in general
versus 46 per cent of women.
Their masculinity is so linked to their
sexuality. From statistics, men do not like to talk about it; neither do
their wives. However, loss of libido in men or inhibited sexual desire
stresses a marriage more than any other sexual dysfunction. It can be
embarrassing to talk about one’s sex life and get back to being intimate
with one’s spouse. Loss of libido is not something men have to live
with. There are so many things one can do to regain a good sex drive and
have a happy outlook on life. In fact, sex therapists can pinpoint the
source of the problem and may recommend lifestyle interventions.
So many times, men are not even aware
that they have problem with loss of libido until we get talking in my
office or while counselling them over the phone. How do you know if you
have problem with loss of libido?
Libido loss does not usually happen
suddenly, it is not like catching a cold and you start sneezing or
coughing. Though difficult to define precisely, loss of libido is a lack
of interest in sex for several months. Frequency of sexual activity is
not the best measure of sexual interest, because so many circumstances
can get in the way of an encounter, even if the desire is there.
However, if you are married and having sex less often than the norm,
about at least once a week, you might ask yourself whether you are happy
with things as they are.
If you are not happy about your loss of
libido, researchers agree that it is best to tackle these issues before
they become deep-rooted. To help identify the early warning signs, see
whether you answer the following questions true or false:
- Touching takes place only in the bedroom [many African traditional
oriented couples find this difficult to answer but touching should be
done anywhere anytime]
- Sex does not give you feelings of connection and sharing.
- One of you is always the initiator and the other feels pressured.
- You no longer look forward to sex.
- Sex is mechanical and routine.
- You almost never have sexual thoughts or fantasies about your spouse for ages.
- You have sex once or twice a month at most.
If you answered true to many or most of
these questions, you may be on your way to losing sexual desire.
Understanding the various causes is the first step to finding the
appropriate resolution. So today, we shall be looking at systematic
programme to rekindle sexual desire in low-sex and no-sex marriage
relationships.
The brain is an often-overlooked
erogenous zone. Sexual excitement starts in your head and works its way
down. Sadness, hopelessness and dejection can dampen your spouse desire
and can lead to erectile dysfunction.
Depression can dampen your desire and
can lead to erectile dysfunction. Ironically, many of the drugs used to
treat depression can also suppress your sex drive and make it harder to
get an erection.
Many husbands confide in me that most
times they consider having a few drinks to get in the mood, which may
not be a bad idea at all but I have a problem with this in two areas.
One, which brand of alcohol are you consuming? Two, what quantity are
you consuming? If you are not taking healthy alcohol, for example, real
red wine that is good for the heart, your whole body and your sexual
activities may be in danger of overloading synthetic brews. Secondly,
overindulging and addictiveness of any drink could make it harder for a
man to finish the sexual act, simply because too much of everything is
bad, and alcohol does not help increase erection or give good stamina on
the long run but rather it gives an euphoric feel initially and later
gradually destroys sexual performance . Heavy alcohol use can interfere
with erections, but the negative effects are usually not seen
immediately. The good news is that moderate drinking of real red wine
one or two cups a day might have health benefits like reducing heart
disease risks. And those risks are similar to erectile dysfunction
risks, too.
The contents of your medicine cabinet
could affect your performance in the bedroom. A long list of common
drugs can cause ED, including certain blood pressure drugs, pain
medications, and antidepressants. Street drugs like amphetamines,
cocaine, and marijuana can cause sexual problems in men. It is not easy
to get in the mood when you are overwhelmed by responsibilities at work
and home. Stress can take its toll on many different parts of a man’s
body, including the penis. Deal with stress by making lifestyle changes
that promote well-being and relaxation, such as exercising regularly,
getting enough sleep, and seeking professional help when appropriate. So
therefore, you have to reduce stress. Stress is common to everyone. Our
bodies are designed to feel stress and react to it. It keeps us alert
and ready to avoid danger. However, it is not always possible to avoid
or change events that may cause stress and it is easy to feel trapped
and unable to cope. When stress persists, the body begins to break down
and illnesses can occur. The key to coping with stress is to identify
stressors in your life and learn ways to direct and reduce stress.
Learning an effective means of
relaxation and using it regularly is a good first step. Allow yourself
some “quiet time,” even if it is just a few minutes. Examine and modify
your thinking, particularly unrealistic expectations. Talking problems
out with a friend or family member can help put things in proper
perspective. Seeking professional assistance can help you gain a new
perspective on how to manage some of the more difficult forms of stress.
Other approaches to reducing stress include; keep a positive attitude,
believe in yourself, accept that there are events you cannot control, be
assertive instead of aggressive. “Assert” your feelings, opinions, or
beliefs instead of becoming angry, combative, or passive. Learn to
relax. Exercise regularly. Your body can fight stress better when it is
fit. Eat well-balanced meals. Stop smoking. Limit or avoid use of
alcohol and caffeine. Set realistic goals and expectations. Get enough
rest and sleep. Your body needs time to recover from stressful events.
Don’t rely on alcohol or drugs to reduce stress. Learn to use stress
management techniques and coping mechanisms, such as deep breathing or
guided imagery. Anger can make the blood rush to your face, but not to
the one place you need it when you want to have sex. It is not easy to
feel romantic when you are raging, whether your anger is directed at
your wife or not. Unexpressed anger or improperly expressed anger can
contribute to performance problems in the bedroom. Worrying that you
will not be able to perform in bed can make it harder for you to do just
that. Anxiety from other parts of your life can also spill over into
the bedroom. All that worry can make you fear and avoid intimacy, which
can spiral into a vicious cycle that puts a big strain on your sex life
and relationship.
Carrying extra pounds can influence your
sexual performance, and not just by lowering your self-esteem. Obese
men produce less of the male hormone testosterone, which is important
for sexual desire and producing an erection. Being overweight is also
linked to high blood pressure and hardening of the arteries, which can
reduce blood flow to the penis. This invariably leads to low self-image.
When you do not like what you see in the mirror, it’s easy to assume
your partner isn’t going to like the view, either. A negative self-image
can make you worry not only about how you look, but also how well
you’re going to perform in bed. That performance anxiety can make you
too anxious to even attempt sex. Low libido is another thing that can
deflate a man’s erection. It is not the same as erectile dysfunction,
but a lot of the same factors that stifle an erection can also dampen
your interest in sex. Low self-esteem, stress, anxiety, and certain
medications can all reduce your sex drive. When all those worries are
tied up with making love, your interest in sex can take a nosedive.
Many different health conditions can
affect the nerves, muscles, or blood flow that is needed to have an
erection. Diabetes, high blood pressure, hardening of the arteries,
spinal cord injuries, and multiple sclerosis can all contribute to ED.
Surgery to treat prostate, haemorrhoid and bladder problems can also
affect the nerves and blood vessels that control an erection.
One way to improve erectile dysfunction
is to make some simple lifestyle changes. For some men, adopting a
healthier lifestyle, such as quitting smoking, exercising regularly, and
reducing stress, may be all that is needed to find relief. For those
who require more intensive treatment, adopting these lifestyle changes
in addition to other treatments can further help. Quitting smoking can
be very difficult and there is no single best way to quit that works for
all people. Regular exercise can improve your health in many ways.
Along with improving erectile function, exercise can: strengthen the
heart, improve the flow of oxygen in the blood, and build energy levels,
lower blood pressure improves muscle tone and strength. It can also
strengthen and build bones, help reduce body fat, help reduce stress,
tension, anxiety, and depression, boost self-image and self-esteem,
improve sleep, make you feel more relaxed and rested, make you look fit
and healthy.
To get the most benefit, you should
exercise at least 20 to 30 minutes, preferably on most days of the week.
Current studies suggest that at least five times a week is best. If you
are a beginner, exercise for a few minutes each day and build up to 30
minutes. When starting out, you should plan a routine that is easy to
follow and stick with. As the programme becomes more routine, you can
vary your exercise times and activities. Here are some tips to get you
started. Choose an activity you enjoy. Exercising should be fun, not a
chore. Schedule regular exercise into your daily routine. Add a variety
of exercises so that you do not get bored. Exercise does not have to put
a strain on your wallet. Avoid buying expensive equipment or health
club memberships unless you are certain you will use them regularly.
Stick with it. If you exercise regularly, it will soon become part of
your lifestyle. By next week God willing we shall see more of this,
until then I remain your one and only bedroom instructor, keep the fire
of passionate sex burning.
